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Text File | 2014-12-11 | 5KB | 93 lines

Love, Mom.

Dear Children;
    Where have you been? Where have you been keeping yourselves? I asked these
questions last night of a dear friend of mine and due to the help I received
I realized many things in our discussion. So many things I should have seen
long ago. I was not strong enough to accept them then. I am now. When these
eyes finally opened, oh, the tears they shed. Only this time, the tears were
for you.
    Bare with me while I tell you a story and please read these words from the
deepest part of your soul.
    Many years ago, I too was once a child, a product of mental anguish for so
many years. I constantly fought for the closeness of my mother.
    All I wanted was for her to put HER arms around ME for a change. That never
happened but I spent the rest of her life trying to break through.
    So, without realizing, at that time, why, I jumped into a marriage
relationship at age 15. I was only a child then myself. I now know why.
    I was still searching for the love that was never physically nor emotionally
shown to me by my mother. Although I know without a doubt that my mother
loved me.
    All I wanted was to have you and to give you the love  that I yearned for
and to have it returned to me.
    For a long time as you were children that love and respect I needed was
returned. But as you grew you saw the marriage of your parents fail.  You saw
the abuse. You felt the hurt. You realized that I had become weak. The main
person in your life was falling apart in front of your eyes  but you said
nothing. You had no one to turn to so you held it inside. While there the
confusion and the frustration and the non understanding grew and shaped your
lives.
    You started drifting away and I wondered why?  After all to me, "I" was the
one being used and abused. "I" was the only one hurting, wasn't "I"? I never
once considered that I might not be the only one.
    Did you feel respect for me when I finally ended that marriage? I wonder.
Was it too late then? For "us"? For "you"?
    Then after stumbling through numerous useless relationships you watched as I
married the "monster from hell." Your respect lessened even more then.
    You saw the bruises. You heard my cries and my whimpering and my whining and
my feeling sorry for myself. You saw the last bit of my strength drain away.
    But "I" was the only victim, wasn't "I"?
    You watched as cancer almost took my life and you felt hurt and pity but you
couldn't give me strength because "I" never taught it to you.
    You watched that "monster from hell" try to kill me by placing a gun in my
mouth as I woke up from a nap a few days following cancer surgery, as he
kicked me where the point of the operation was, as he bruised my face and
destroyed my self worth and you heard my cries. You also watched as I stayed
in that torment.
    You watched as I finally got the nerve to leave that marriage but the mother
that was left was only a limp charred rag.
    How could you look to me for strength or guidance? I had none left in me. I
didn't even know how to help myself. But OH, how I loved you still.
    You watched and even attended as I married for a third time but now, even
though nothing is the same as before you watch from  a very far distance not
wanting to be close. I can not blame you.
    As for my mother, I can't blame her anymore. I have finally forgiven her and
she has been gone for fourteen years. I realize now that she was a product of
her mother just as I am of her and you are of me and your children are of
you.
    I felt for a long time that your distance and loss of respect for me was due
to the divorce of your parents. I know better now. Now I am strong enough to
realize why.
    It was because I was weak. I allowed the abuse to continue. I allowed the
hurting to continue. I let it go on. I did not stop it. I must take
responsibility not only for my own woes but for yours as well. I am your
mother.
    I should have drawn from what strength I had in me, taken you and walked
away the VERY FIRST TIME I was abused.
    I know now that once is the end of  love if  there ever was love. Once is
the beginning of torture. Once is the beginning of a life of hurt for all
those involved. I want us all to heal. I want it to happen now. I cannot go
back but I can move forward and to that end I WANT US ALL TO HEAL.
    I pray that I am not too late for you. I know that I am now healing. But the
process will not be over until you heal too. The process will not be over
until your children never know what hurt is. The only way this cycle is to
end is for me to end it.
    Now..... Take what you have heard here and remember it always. You feel as
you do because I felt as I did, because my mother felt as she did. We are all
products of our mothers. Not the one who delivered us but the one who raised
us. If they are the same as in this case the weight is even heavier once,
once is finally enough.
    Now..... You can start a brand new product through your children. Something
wonderful. Love them. Hug them. Listen to them. Put them first in your life
before everything else. Be strong. Teach them about life by showing them how
it is lived. As young as they are there is still hope.
    Above all, remember this......... Abuse hurts more than just the target.
    Watch me now.

                                Love,
                                Mom.

P.S. Oh yes, in case your wondering who the friend was I spoke to last night?
His name is Jesus.